Well seeing as this is my first post since the beginning of the year, you can see how busy I have been. This semester has been nothing short of a struggle. I only have 5 classes, but they are much harder than those I had last semester, and I'm still maintaining a constant work week.
2015 has already proven to be just another year. Friends have come and gone (and so has money) but I'm still alive and kicking.
These past few weeks I have been struggling with the fact of being alone. When I am at school, I have friends but being so far from my family after I have gotten so close with them can really hurt sometimes. The days continue to pass, and I continue to go through the motions. Class, work, homework, sleep, repeat. Don't get me wrong, I love AU and my friends, and everything about this place but when you spent most of your Junior and Senior years in high school with your family, no matter how much you say you won't miss them when you go to college, you will.
With working as much as I am I can't go home as often as I would like, especially with this weekend being Easter weekend and I'm stuck working a split on Sunday... it's rough not being able to spend those traditions with your family when you're trying to earn a living while not drowning in papers and assignments that the teachers love to pile on you the last three weeks of school.
I have figured out that writing in the blog, whether it is every few months or everyday, helps me vent and express my emotions in my favorite form.
So what has happened since this semester started? Well....
- I came back to school
- I started 5 new classes
- I met new friends
- I started a new work schedule
- I spent time with friends
- I took a road trip
- I got the stomach bug (worst thing ever.)
- I continued to drive Katy crazy
- I went home for Spring Break.
- I volunteered at Winter Jam
- I went to camp for a day
- I watched my cousin get married
- I got some good medical news
- I had a few mental breakdowns (thanks teachers)
- I kept moving forward.
Pretty much nothing has changed.
With today (now yesterday) being April 1st, I had a heavy heart remembering that it was not just April Fools but my grandpa's birthday. This was his 4th heavenly birthday but it didn't take the pain on Earth away. Some days I find myself dialing my grandparents numbers just to tell them about all of the great things that are going on in my life and go to call and remember no one will answer the other end. Some days I get upset, furious, that I don't have any pictures with my grandparents. I can't find a single one. And I know my grandma hated taking pictures, but that's one thing I would love to have with me as a constant reminder to make them proud.
Days like today, August 21st, August 14th, and July 10th kill me every time they come around. Days I wish I could skip, days I wish I could just forget but I can't. I still remember saying goodbye to my grandma kissing her and telling her I loved her on July 9th, 2011 and waking up the next day hearing that she was gone. I told her I would see her when I got back from camp and that she was going to make it to my graduation, she just had to. I cried, but I still went to camp because my parents thought it'd be good for me to get away for a few days. Those days I missed valuable time with my family that I wish I could have had, but more importantly I had lost my best friend. Someone I had spent most of my childhood with and all I was left with was anger and confusion in the place of my grandma. Shortly after my grandpa was gone too, only a month and 5 days later.
What most people don't realize is that any of my free time between school and softball was spent at their house. I spent a solid 2 weeks with my grandparents during the 6th grade because I was too sick to go to school. The only thing I remember from those two funerals was the butterfly release in honor of my grandma, everything else was a blur. After they were gone and when I would get upset at home I would drive to their house and sit there, and not move. I would cry, I would talk, but I never got a response and that's what hurt the most.
Between her and Pa I had learned the true meaning of perseverance. I was constantly told to never give up, to never quit, and to never let anyone win. My grandparents didn't let cancer win, they won because they got to meet Jesus.
I remember helping my grandpa feed his coy fish, or him trying to get me and my cousins while we were jumping on the trampoline. I remember how my grandma made the best grilled cheese sandwiches, and she always had Breyer's vanilla bean ice cream. How they would let me sleep when i went on road trips with them, and I would wake up in a different city. How I got to see the Southeast from West Virginia down to Florida with them. I remember them peaking my love for travel that I can't seem to satisfy. I still remember my grandpa saying, "Mary fix me something to eat." And my grandma would reply with, "Rufus you are so needy." Those things that they would say, and the things that we did will forever be engraved in my memory because to me that's all I have left.
Days like today just break my heart. I sit here typing this and bawling my eyes out because it is the first time I have ever expressed my feelings about my grandparents.
I hope that one day I can make them proud of me, because sometimes it all just seems worthless.
Missing you both everyday,
LG.
